I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
