I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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