i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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