no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
