I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
