Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
