Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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