I seem to have left my pride at pride
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
