some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize