Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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