Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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