mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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