There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
if only i could text you this smell
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
