You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
