remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
