I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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