Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
