i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
