She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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