life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Randomize
