If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
