I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
