seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
