I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
