I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
