I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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