There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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