I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
