I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
