I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
