Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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