i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
