it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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