i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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