I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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