checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
