Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
