At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
