Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
