she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
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