I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize