I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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