dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
