What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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