I think I died a long time ago.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Randomize
