You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
