Just fell off a train. Bad.
I cannot find my penis.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize