Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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