dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
