She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
