I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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