She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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