Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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