So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
