put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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