what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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