This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
