you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize