you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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