my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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