Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Randomize
