I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I will be naked everywhere
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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