WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Randomize
