cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
It's shark week go big or go home
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
